That’s right. The kind that hits you from all sides. In my case, it’s the guilt of putting away my laptop and/ or leaving the office dancing on my right temporal lobe, while the guilt of arriving home later than hoped bombards my left. It’s inner guilt, not imposed by my wife or one of my superiors. I feel like the quality of my investments is in a stranglehold to the quantity of my investments. I want to do more and every bit of “more” makes something else “less.” I just read an article about “Saying No.” It went, “Blah, blah, so on and so forth.” Same old blathering on.
The problem is this: Ministry is about inputs (not outputs) and unless you’re shallow enough to feel satisfied with large attendance numbers, you’re going to hate saying “no” when you feel you could (should) have studied harder, prayed longer, connected more deeply, drove the nail deeper into the paradigm that church stuff just has to be adequate, not excellent. Beyond this, I have some genuine friendships with people who do not know the Jesus I know. And I don’t have time for them. Then there’s the second “secular” job. I could blame the tyranny of my income needs and my time constraints on my standard of living, but its not that simple. The bottom line is 2 people in my home have to work - and our kids (2 yrs/ 9mos) go to day care to be raised by people who don’t love them - or 1 of us has to have 2 jobs. I could cut my mortgage in half, drop back to one car, drink Folgers and use cloth diapers with those enormous pins. We still can’t make it on one income. We crunched the numbers.
I’m convinced that God is teaching me something. I wish I knew what. There is a part of me, though, that thinks things are exactly as he’s intended for me. I’m not doing this to get rich. I don’t give a flying flip what the Joneses think anymore. I’m not trying to find myself. I don’t have a blind sense of duty. I don’t have a ”saviour complex.” I’ve been around enough amazing people to know I’m not as special as my Mom thinks I am. And I don’t romanticize church growth one iota. Evangelism is hard. If anyone implies otherwise, they’re probably on TBN and/or selling something.
I just wonder if this is my journey. If all the hard work it takes to still be a great dad and husband along with being able to be moderately productive and prolific in spite of it all is right on the money for this season of my life. Truth is, I’m driven. I care. And I’ve taken the time to be a student in life and of life, which means I’ve been given an exhausting opportunity to use what I’ve learned - to work hard and make a difference.
So maybe the guilt should stay. It reminds me how much my life is motivated by the difference it can make. As for the frustration, it may be that my life is a bit of water slowly agitating the rock in my path while it drives me flipping crazy.
